It’s been 3.5 years since my brain fell into a cognitive glitch (anxiety disorder), countless ups and downs later, change of themes, countless anxiety attacks, merciless rumination… I am still here, much better, blessed it be, but still stumbling to find the path through the thick layers of the ego fear and conditioned cognition.
Prison.. if trying to describe anxiety in a word, that would be it. A mental prison that isolates you from you. A 24/7 prison of doubt and fear, regardless of which you still need to function and be all that you are… (mom, wife, worker.. you)
I miss me, I really do, the most important parts of me, the brave ones, the one of not feeling fear, of clarity … love and joy, happiness in noticing all the little moments of pure love .. they are still there, just hidden in the shadows casted by the thick branches of my anxiety baobab.
After following my inner guidance (the joy of helping and healing) & being attuned in Reiki I & II something wonderful happened, I ‘woke’ up briefly for a week, (a beautiful experience) but the ego got terrified and pulled me back into the baobab shadow. That week was amazing, there was no fear, no doubt .. just me- joy, love and peace, compassion- a knowing without knowing that everything will be ok. But I guess as a friend said I wasn’t ready for it yet.
Our ego is part of each one of us, and it does have and serve a purpose, but at a certain point (this lifetime or the next) we are ready to transcend it, for most of us I guess this happens in the ‘afternoon’ of our lives (as a wise man said)., or after times of huge emotional turmoil. Ego will always be a part of us, and I believe one of the ways to move beyond its controlling and overpowering nature is to accept it and basically ‘shut it up’ with love.. though will get back to you on that one, still have to get there .
I’ve asked so many times, why?, why I have to go through this, even though I know the answer, it’s my path, my means to grow, to heal, to help. (.. my ego laughs quietly in the background ‘who are you to do so” )… the ugliness of my fears makes me doubt my very core, which in turns produces even more fear robbing me of my confidence, power and light.
It is extremely frustrating having all the knowledge to get pass anxiety and yet your brain seems quite reluctant to just ‘get it’ and stop getting stuck in an endless looping …
This too shall pass.. maktub